Breaking news, guys. The crack BPS investigative team has just gotten a copy of a letter that was sent to MLB commissioner Bud Selig by Red Sox president Larry Lucchino. The team, led by Ras, H8N, and Mike W up in Mass, were able to hack into the Red Sox systems, where they uploaded the letter onto a disk and hand it off to Lucky and TS Mike to pass along to Nick, who skysurfed it down to the BPS headquarters in New York. Happymeds provided security. A copy of the letter is below, posted on the BPS before it hits any of the news wires… D*mn that Lucchino! I knew he would pull something like this…
Dear Mr. Selig,
I was wondering if I could impose on you to ask for a small favor. As you know, I am the president of the Boston Red Sox, and I have a request that I’m sure you will consider very minor and will certainly not carry any negative consequences for your league. You see, every time my team has been hit with a bit of adversity this year, a tough loss, a tough run of losses, whatever, we have always been able to count on a nice easy series with the Devil Rays to bail us out. And every time we look up at the scoreboard and see that the Yankees are creeping up so close to us that Giambi and Big Papi could be squeezing the same HGH needle into their butt cheeks, we always know we can turn it up and steal a game from the Rays at the last minute to save our skin. I mean, just look at last week in Fenway, Saturday night in Tampa, well, let’s face it; I could go on and on… And think about it; it makes a difference. Just think, if we hadn’t won every single one of the 13 games that we’ve won against Tampa this year, we would be tied in the loss column with the Yankees. And we don’t own the tie-breaker, I might add. Anyway, I took a quick peek at the schedule, and I see that we don’t have any games with Tampa left. This is where you come in. My request has two parts. First, if possible, I was wondering if we could play our final six games against Tampa Bay. I know it might force you to tinker with the schedule a bit, but we would even be willing to play on the road if we had to (although we really would like to do this at home). Would it really be that big of an inconvenience? And think about it…the D-rays have nothing else to look forward to. Wouldn’t they feel better about themselves as a franchise if they could have a direct impact in the Red Sox winning the division instead of the Yankees? I mean, come on. No one likes the Yankees. Everyone is so sick of them, and besides, they’re mean. Don’t tell me you don’t think so. And everyone loves the Red Sox. I can prove it. Didn’t you see how happy the national broadcasters who have nothing to do with the Red Sox, like Peter Gammons, Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan were when we won in ‘04? We even came up with a really original, fun name for it. We call it “Red Sox Nation.” Cool right? I’m sure you’ve heard of it, but even if you haven’t, just think of the college football teams that have done it for years, like Seminole Nation or Sooner Nation, or one of the NFL teams that popularized it, like Raider Nation. Well, it’s just like that. Except ours is even better, because we gave ours initials. “RSN.” See what I mean? How cool is that! So you see, everyone wins if you could do this for us. And the other part of the request is just as simple. I was wondering if we could alter the playoff format just a hair. Because sometimes I find my team gets a boost from playing the Devil Rays, I was wondering if, in the event that the Red Sox are forced to play in an elimination game, we could play a few games against Tampa Bay. The games would count in the series, and would therefore give us a chance to tie it up or maybe even win. I don’t know why, but my team would just feel a little bit more comfortable if we could stick that in the format this year. And think how excited the fans in Tampa would be? It would almost be like playing in the playoffs for them! So what do you think, Bud? I know we’re on the same page, here. I hope to have your agreement by tomorrow so Terry can set the pitching match-ups. Thanks again, Bud.
Your partner in “doing the right thing,”